Category Archives for "Career"

• When will things turn around?!
• How much more do I have to endure before this gets easier?!
• Will I ever start making any real progress?!

Once upon a time, there was a talented, highly skilled woman called Jane. One day, Jane became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She dropped out from the senior level she had reached in her industry as she didn’t think it would be compatible with motherhood. She moved to a job in the same industry at a different company.

Jane agreed to a substantial pay cut because she was so relieved to have found a company who would allow her a degree of flexible working.

But Jane soon found that lower pay did not mean less responsibility. Her boss, knowing she had found a highly valuable “human resource” for a bargain price, had no scruples about squeezing every last drop out of Jane.

Whilst she trudged through each day in her life-sucking job, Jane searched for a job commensurate with her experience and skills, but every time she met with a recruitment consultant, she didn’t dare to ask for the flexible working that was so important to her, and all the jobs she came across were advertised as full time. She didn’t want to be discounted before she’d even begun to apply because the recruitment consultant doesn’t see her as a “serious” candidate, but she couldn’t get rid of that anxious feeling in her gut.

So Jane gives up. She plods on with her high pressure, life-sucking job that pays her less than she’s worth. She has a bit of a habit of spending on things she doesn’t really need – just to get a brief “high” to counteract how low she feels about her career. She has dreams of a more fulfilling career, but she wonders how they will ever come to fruition. At the end of a long day, the only dreams that unroll are the ones she finds when she’s asleep in bed.

Jane braces herself each morning to work in an atmosphere of political posturing and a culture of blame and tries to find strategies to cope with a boss who seems to have learnt her leadership style from a combination of Margaret Thatcher and Genghis Khan.

Her heart sinks on Sunday evenings and she counts the days down to her next holiday. But after each holiday, nothing changes, nothing improves – she’s on a treadmill of a job she loathes, working for a boss who doesn’t acknowledge or value her.

Jane experiences a health problem and her doctor tells her that she’s suffering from chronic stress and advises her to take some time off. But Jane ignores her doctor’s advice and goes back to work because she fears the repercussions.

So her health suffers even more.

Jane continues the descent into self-doubt, anxiety and a sense of some kind of low level, ever present depression. She loses sight of her skills, her experience and her achievements. She is well and truly stuck.

Continue reading

My latest Inspiring Women Interviews Podcast has just been broadcast on and . This episode is an interview with Tina Freed, founder of E2W and a champion of flexible working to support talent retention and attraction.

Tina has been helping highly talented women in the city to continue with their careers since 2002, when she and her husband formed E2W, a company with this objective as its primary driver.

Tina’s philosophy is:

“Flexible working is not an obstacle, it’s an opportunity – and we can prove it” 

Before setting up E2W Tina worked in the city within financial services for over 15 years. When she had a baby, she realised that the choice, then- 16 years ago – was to either have a child OR have a career – not both. But she didn’t think that was right, so she did something about it.

She saw a gap in the market –  the opportunity for people like her to continue working in the city AND to fulfil her aspirations as a mother were nonexistent, so she started her own business.  E2W was created so that Tina could be a mum without sacrificing her career.

She knew that she wasn’t alone in wanting this balance, so she set out to find a way to offer flexible working for women who wanted to develop their hard-earned careers and still be a mother.

She also felt that the city-based firms that she’d worked for could benefit from the experience of such women, and potentially it would be a much more cost-effective way of using these talented women.

Tina sought to tap into the big resource pool of mainly women who’d left the city when they were excluded from financial institutions, because those firms couldn’t offer that true work-life integration. E2W set up offices where the women lived, as opposed to where they were working. This obvious solution helped women to overcome the challenge of juggling the daily commute with childcare.

Tina understands that flexibility means different things to different people. Some want to work short days, some want to work 3 long days. For others, an ideal flexible working week might be a traditional 9-5 day, simply because they are currently working 6pm -11pm.

Whatever people’s definition of flexibility, the point is that there are may different patterns that companies can put in place to enable women to continue to work. It starts with thinking creatively.

 “Some of our employees work 9:30 to 2:30, and they do as much in five hours as they would if they went into the city and worked eight hours.”

Many women in middle management face career stagnation, not advancing because of a fearful mindset about the scarcity of opportunities for professionals that also advocate flexible working patterns.

These talented women feel that they can’t leave their current company or seek promotion, because they won’t be able to retain the same level of flexibility they’ve enjoyed.  There is a commonly held belief that flexible working patterns are only offered to those who have served their time and proven their loyalty.  This results in many talented women staying in roles that they have outgrown, simply because they see it as the lesser of two evils.

Challenging a limiting mindset is one of my favourite things to do as a Coach, and it’s also a big driver behind me launching the Inspiring Women Interviews podcast. I want women to learn from role models who have proven that it IS possible to combine a great career with having a life!

I’ve coached many such women over the years and I know that the only way around this is to challenge them to be courageous. Often easier said than done, of course, especially when well-intentioned family and friends reinforce the fearful belief.

My clients frequently tell me that their partners or parents urge them to keep their head down and make the most of it –

“You’ve got a good thing going here, it’s not that bad – don’t rock the boat”.

We need to actively support and encourage more women to challenge the status quo, perceived or otherwise. Ultimately it is up to them. This requires courage and often a suspension of disbelief, but also confidence in their abilities.

Tina agrees: She encourages women to thinks about what they can offer, how they might be able to support a new company, and to position themselves from this perspective.

“It’s about saying, ‘Look, I’m valuable. I have lots to offer. I have lots of experience that you would benefit from. For me to be able to do this, I would like to work in a flexible way. Flexibility to me means … Whatever it is’.”

I encourage the women I support to change their internal language from:

“But why would they employ me and offer me flexible working?”

to

“Why wouldn’t you employ me? Because I can do this role and make a valuable contribution.”

Attracting and retaining middle management women is crucially important to filling the leadership talent pipeline. There’s an onus on companies  to give these women explicit permission to  step up and fulfil their potential. This means that employers need to be open-minded and creative about flexible working and communicate this position loudly and clearly.

But equally as important is the onus on women themselves.  They need to take a deep breath, screw their courage to the sticking place and step up.  Try this for a career affirmation…

“Flexible working is not an obstacle, it’s an opportunity – and I can prove it”

And then… go and prove it!

This week, our guest post is from Jennifer Baker. Jennifer will also be running a masterclass for The Academy for Talented Women on How to Discover Your Perfect Career. Read how you can join us at the end of the post.

“One of the greatest tragedies of life is that so many men and women go to their graves with the music still in them” Oliver Wendell Holmes (US Supreme Court Justice 1841-1935)

Work is one of the most significant and time-consuming elements of many people’s lives. It is also the area of their life where people most often feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled. The average person will spend 40 to 50 years of their life at work – that is too long to spend in the wrong job.

The last time most of us had any career advice was either at school or university. Discussions were invariably centred on vocational type qualifications and which organisations provided the best graduate training.

We set out on a career path with a clear starting point, a vague mid phase and, beyond that, usually the complete unknown. Yet promotions follow, headhunters call, offers are accepted, and life goes on.

Then at some point – often triggered by a change in personal circumstances, such as a big birthday or significant external event such as redundancy or restructure – we reach a career crossroads.

So, we must take stock of where we are and think about where we would like to be and understand what it will take to get there. We need to examine our skills, marketability and personal preferences, then decide what to do next and develop a strategy to make it happen.

Coach Yourself: 5 Questions to Ask yourself at a career crossroads

Whether you find there are too many difficult choices or feel that you haven’t found your “niche”, one of the best things you can do to get a bit more clarity is by asking yourself a few incisive questions. Asking yourself these questions won’t magically give you the answer. However, they will get you to start thinking outside of the box.

1. Would I be happy to continue what I am doing for the rest of my working life?
2. What would I need to do to assess the feasibility of a change of career direction?
3. What would I do if earning money wasn’t important?
4. How could I make the transition? (Brainstorm at least 5 ideas, no matter how outlandish!)
5. How could I get back into the job market, and quickly, if I absolutely had to?

Our career priorities can change at different times during our life. Many people go through a re-evaluation process, especially after a traumatic event. So if you feel you’ve lost your sense of direction, why not take stock of things? If the day-to-day work no longer fulfills or interests you, it could be time to move on before your morale takes a nose-dive.

To a certain extent the degree of satisfaction you get from your work is within your control – and taking control of itself can cause a great sense of satisfaction.

Think about what it is you want. Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?

If a lack of job satisfaction is affecting your emotional well-being, then you need to take decisive action. You need to think about which direction you’d like to be heading in and whether it is achievable, but most of all if will it enrich your working life. Ask yourself what your priorities are in a job.

Think about times when you have felt satisfied – and why – and think of the low points and how you can avoid repeating them.

• Are reputation and status important to you?
• Do you want responsibility?
• Authority?
• Creative control?
• Do you have new ideas you’d like to try – or any additional duties you could assume?

These are all things to consider.

Research shows that those who are most satisfied and motivated by their work are in careers which reflect who they really are; careers which reflect their true nature and their real passions; careers which draw on their natural strengths and employ their favourite skills; careers which allow them to complement their deeply-held values.

What is The Academy for Talented Women?

Imagine a virtual “gym”, but a gym where, instead of working on your fitness, you work on your mindset, your skill set and your life!  Now imagine you don’t have to travel to that gym and you can access it from anywhere in the World – on your computer, your tablet or your phone.

Imagine that, instead of signing up for a Zumba or a Spinning Class, you could go to a class on, for example..

• How to Declutter Your Home
• How to Deal with Conflict at Work
• How to Boost Your Energy When You Have No Time
• How to be Incredibly Confident at Work

or even…

• How Not to Divorce Your Husband (YES! We do have that class!)

And let’s say you could sign up to do that class at the time it’s scheduled. But if you missed it, it wouldn’t matter, because you could simply do the class by yourself, at any time of the day or night to suit YOUR schedule!

The Academy for Talented Women has been created and built by me, Amanda Alexander. And I created it from having coached hundreds of working mums over many years.  I know that, for a woman to be successful, there are many elements of her life that have to work – and they have to work in harmony.  That’s why I built The Academy is around 3 pillars of a working woman’s life:

– Your Career
– Your Life
– You

Would you like to coached, but it’s too expensive?

I believe that getting coaching with a GOOD Coach is an invaluable investment in your career and your life. It certainly changed my life for the better when I first worked with a Coach back in 2002! But what if funds simply won’t stretch to your own Coach? I get that – even if you’re earning a good salary, after food is paid for, kids’ activities are paid for, the phone bill, the council tax bill and the boiler you’ve just had to replace.. you quite understandably might see coaching as a luxury that you literally can’t afford.

But what if you COULD get access to a GOOD Coach without the usual price tag? In fact, what if you could access not just a GOOD Coach but a multi-award winning, highly experienced Coach who was accredited as Professional Certified Coach with the ICF? That’ll be me then! (You can read more about me here).

That’s why I included a monthly “drop in” coaching call” within The Academy membership. It’s usually held during “lunch hour” from 12.30 to 1.30 pm BST, with the odd evening call at 8.30 pm BST.  But if you can’t make it to the call, you still get to ask a question beforehand.

The idea of the coaching calls is – if you’re stuck, you need an idea, motivation or inspiration, I’m here for you.

Precious Little Time for Personal Development or Investing in Yourself?

The Academy has also been created to allow you to access learning, development and support when it suits YOU.  I understand how busy you are – so am I!  I understand that, for you to invest in yourself and your career, you are probably going to do so in pockets of time, often whilst multi-tasking. So do I!

That’s why I created an online members’ area with all the Academy’s fantastic masterclasses, coaching sessions and online life coaching course under one roof!

For me, it’s about the right kind of support

None of us can do it alone. Whether your goal is to change your career, get a promotion or even leave your career and go it alone, you need support. Or maybe you’re just struggling to keep up with the fast pace of life – you need support (and practical strategies).  You need someone who can be your cheerleader when the going gets tough, who can be your advisor when you’re stuck and who can hold up a mirror to  show you how capable you really are, when you have lost sight of the fact.

I created The Academy for Talented Women to give you the support you need in order to be successful. Whether it’s in our warm and friendly private Facebook group, in our monthly coaching calls or even at our annual “Stepping Up” live event (yes, you even get a live event!),  The Academy for Talented Women is all about providing you with the right kind of support you need to be successful, fulfilled and balanced.
How do you join?

You pay a monthly subscription via PayPal or your credit card. You can leave at any time. There is no “minimum contract”. There are NO catches.  You can get the full details about The Academy and join here. 
I look forward to supporting you!

In this day and age of self actualisation, you will hear a lot about the importance of having big goals. You will hear from Coaches (like me!) and celebrity motivational experts like Tony Robbins that you can have anything you want and that you just have to decide what it is that you want. You will hear that as soon as you’ve achieved clarity, you’re half way there! Easy! You will hear that by having a clear and juicy vision of your life, career or business, you simply have to work backwards and identify the steps.

And then – well – it’s just a matter of taking those steps, isn’t it?
Job done.
Big dream achieved.

Well, not quite that simple.

All the above is true – I DO believe you can pretty much have/be/do anything you want. I also believe that getting very clear on your big juicy goal is important – because that dictates which steps you’re going to take.

But the bad news is, deciding what you want and getting clear on what that looks like is NOT the hardest bit.Continue reading

I was at an event last weekend and I asked 2 female millionaires this question:

“What differentiates you – as millionaires – from others? What are the attitudes you have or the things that you do differently that have helped you to become millionaires?

They each had different answers. But there’s one thing they both said and it stood out very clearly to me:

They both said that no matter what, they keep taking action. Even when they don’t know what to do, they take the next action – any action.

After the event, another successful woman messaged me on Facebook. Her name is Jane Cassell and she runs a company called JC Independent Wills & Probate. Incidentally, she’s also the woman who is about to write my will (she is brilliant)!

This is what she said:

“You asked a great question on Saturday evening – characteristic / distinction. My answer to that question is action. Without a doubt, action. We continue to take action, even when we’re tired, and life gets too busy to take action. We still take action.”

But it’s not the millionaires or even the brilliant Jane Cassell who have inspired this week’s post. It’s a lady called Lyn, who emailed me this week after attending my “Set Backs and Stepping Up” presentation for The Global Women in Leadership Summit. She thanked me for my session telling me it had made a huge difference to her. She described herself as “the stereotypical shy person in a room full of strangers”.

Despite being a stereotypical shy person, this is what Lyn did after my presentation:

“I have genuinely spent the last few days thinking about all the things I can do in order to connect with people – I’ve accepted an invitation to an event; I’ve started my Fabulous 50 list; I’ve contacted 7 people so far, from that list; I’ve been through my Outlook contacts to see who else I should be speaking to!

I’ve also applied for a job I saw advertised online – it was one of the headline jobs in an email, I took a look and decided to send off my CV – usually I would have agonised over whether or not to send it, and whether or not I’m actually capable of doing that role. I used to spend an hour a day poring over the websites, trying to find something that I can do (without a degree!). Today, I just thought, ooh that looks good, it’s in London, it’s a better salary (and different level) to what I usually look at; I’m sending my CV! I have just proved to myself that I don’t have to spend hours overthinking these things – and that’s probably a bigger deal than the actual application!!”

Did you read that last bit? I’ll repeat it, just in case!

“I’m sending my CV..I don’t have to spend hours overthinking these things.”

Wow! How’s that for a bit of weekend inspiration, eh?!

Quite simply, Lyn took action. Even though she’s shy. And I bet you agree when I say that she’s got a big chance of getting the job she wants because of taking these actions.

We can talk ourselves to death about WHY we don’t take action – too shy, lack of self-belief, don’t have time, no energy, don’t know what to do, don’t have the support, don’t know where to start, too tired at the end of the day.

There’s some tough love coming with this week’s post. Let’s cut through the c**p and get straight to the point: In brief, you gotta take action!

How do you do that? Well let’s imagine you don’t have ANY excuses – what is one action you COULD take towards your goal?

Now do it!

And then…

Rinse and repeat.

But maybe you really DO have a valid reason for not taking action? Let’s deal with that now, shall we? 🙂

Take for example this common and understandable reason amongst busy women with multiple responsibilities:

“I’m too tired at the end of the day”.

OK – I get that. Don’t we all? 🙂

But if you have a goal and you really want to achieve success, whether it’s with your career, your money, your relationship or anything else in your life, you’re going to have to take action anyway, even if you’re too _____________ (fill in the blank with your excuse)!

If you don’t know where to start, just start anywhere. Do it EVEN IF….

Keep taking action – just like Jane, just like Lyn and just like those millionaires.

This week, our guest post is from Julie Dennis. Julie will also be running a masterclass for The Academy for Talented Women on managing menopause in the workplace. Read how you can join us at the end of the post.

In a recent study nearly 50% of the women interviewed felt menopause symptoms had a negative impact on their performance at work. Is that you?

The most common symptoms were poor concentration, tiredness and poor memory.

And surprise surprise hot flushes were cited as a major source of distress for women at work too.

Hot flushes aren’t just uncomfortable, they’re embarrassing, especially when you’re with colleagues.

You know how it is. Mid meeting you suddenly sense that inner spark ignite.

You try to stay focused on what’s being said, maybe casually remove your jacket or put your hair up to get some cool air on the back of your neck.

Perhaps you make a joke about being a woman of a certain age, “is it hot in here or is it just me ha ha?”

Except it’s not funny is it? It’s humiliating.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be that way. You really can learn about managing menopause in the workplace. The secret lies in managing your cortisol levels.

High levels of cortisol, your main stress hormone, is the most common hormone imbalance in women over the age of 40.

Your body is designed to release cortisol when your mind perceives you to be in a stressful situation. It’s part of your fight or flight response.

Your adrenal glands pump out cortisol to give you the energy to either flee or stand and fight. This ancient response was originally designed to help you deal with the stress of a life or death situation. Perhaps a confrontation with a neighbouring tribe or an attack by a dangerous animal.

Modern day stresses of course are very different. They’re made up of certain foods, types of drink, poorly worded emails, traffic jams, toxins and even your working environment.

Menopause itself is a form of stress on your body.

But here’s the thing, the same stress response still gets triggered today even though the danger isn’t actually life threatening.

And stress in the 21st century workplace is unrelenting. So instead of cortisol being produced when you actually need it, your body starts to produce it all the time.

So what’s stressing you out? What are you eating, drinking or experiencing during your working day that’s triggering your fight or flight response, increasing your cortisol levels and making your menopause symptoms worse?

Once you know what your triggers are you can work on managing or eliminating that trigger and you really can cool down, calm down, breakthrough the brain fog and stay on track with your career.

You see, whilst you can’t avoid stress in the 21st century what you can do is learn how to manage it, through the way you eat and drink, the way you exercise, your menopause mindset and by reducing your exposure to toxins.

Julie will be running a virtual seminar on managing menopause in the workplace for my Academy for Talented Women Members on Wednesday 12 October. She will also share a simple but effective framework for you to follow so you can talk to your boss about how your symptoms are affecting your ability to do you job without damaging your career.

If you’d like access to the webinar – both live and recorded version, to watch, listen or download whenever you want, click here to read all the other benefits and join the Academy now.

What is The Academy for Talented Women?

Imagine a virtual “gym”, but a gym where, instead of working on your fitness, you work on your mindset, your skill set and your life!  Now imagine you don’t have to travel to that gym and you can access it from anywhere in the World – on your computer, your tablet or your phone.

Imagine that, instead of signing up for a Zumba or a Spinning Class, you could go to a class on, for example..

• How to Declutter Your Home
• How to Deal with Conflict at Work
• How to Boost Your Energy When You Have No Time
• How to be Incredibly Confident at Work

or even…

• How Not to Divorce Your Husband (YES! We do have that class!)

And let’s say you could sign up to do that class at the time it’s scheduled. But if you missed it, it wouldn’t matter, because you could simply do the class by yourself, at any time of the day or night to suit YOUR schedule!

The Academy for Talented Women has been created and built by me, Amanda Alexander. And I created it from having coached hundreds of working mums over many years.  I know that, for a woman to be successful, there are many elements of her life that have to work – and they have to work in harmony.  That’s why I built The Academy is around 3 pillars of a working woman’s life:

– Your Career
– Your Life
– You

Would you like to coached, but it’s too expensive?

I believe that getting coaching with a GOOD Coach is an invaluable investment in your career and your life. It certainly changed my life for the better when I first worked with a Coach back in 2002! But what if funds simply won’t stretch to your own Coach? I get that – even if you’re earning a good salary, after food is paid for, kids’ activities are paid for, the phone bill, the council tax bill and the boiler you’ve just had to replace.. you quite understandably might see coaching as a luxury that you literally can’t afford.

But what if you COULD get access to a GOOD Coach without the usual price tag? In fact, what if you could access not just a GOOD Coach but a multi-award winning, highly experienced Coach who was accredited as Professional Certified Coach with the ICF? That’ll be me then! (You can read more about me here).

That’s why I included a monthly “drop in” coaching call” within The Academy membership. It’s usually held during “lunch hour” from 12.30 to 1.30 pm BST, with the odd evening call at 8.30 pm BST.  But if you can’t make it to the call, you still get to ask a question beforehand.

The idea of the coaching calls is – if you’re stuck, you need an idea, motivation or inspiration, I’m here for you.

Precious Little Time for Personal Development or Investing in Yourself?

The Academy has also been created to allow you to access learning, development and support when it suits YOU.  I understand how busy you are – so am I!  I understand that, for you to invest in yourself and your career, you are probably going to do so in pockets of time, often whilst multi-tasking. So do I!

That’s why I created an online members’ area with all the Academy’s fantastic masterclasses, coaching sessions and online life coaching course under one roof!

For me, it’s about the right kind of support

None of us can do it alone. Whether your goal is to change your career, get a promotion or even leave your career and go it alone, you need support. Or maybe you’re just struggling to keep up with the fast pace of life – you need support (and practical strategies).  You need someone who can be your cheerleader when the going gets tough, who can be your advisor when you’re stuck and who can hold up a mirror to  show you how capable you really are, when you have lost sight of the fact.

I created The Academy for Talented Women to give you the support you need in order to be successful. Whether it’s in our warm and friendly private Facebook group, in our monthly coaching calls or even at our annual “Stepping Up” live event (yes, you even get a live event!),  The Academy for Talented Women is all about providing you with the right kind of support you need to be successful, fulfilled and balanced.
How do you join?

You pay a monthly subscription via PayPal or your credit card. You can leave at any time. There is no “minimum contract”. There are NO catches.  You can get the full details about The Academy and join here. 
I look forward to supporting you!

via GIPHY

High self-esteem is crucial to our success, equanimity and overall sense of happiness. If we want to feel happy and in control of our own life, it is essential that we nurture our self-esteem.

What the heck has low self-esteem got to do with Ripley’s Alien Mother Creature?

With low self-esteem, we filter our view of the World through our own distorted low opinion of ourselves. Low self-esteem is like the big bad mother of self-belief issues. She spawns lots of other baby limiting beliefs. And they in turn grow into monsters that are extremely difficult to slay – just ask Sigourney Weaver if you don’t believe me.

Do you suffer from low self-esteem?

Do you ever call yourself stupid or put yourself down? Do you frequently compare yourself to others and find yourself lacking? Do you worry that other people might not like you?

These are all indications of low self-esteem. But that’s ok – we’re not labelling you here!
You don’t have low self-esteem ALL the time. You only have it in those moments when you’re having those negative thoughts about yourself.

We generally expect people with low self-esteem to appear quiet, reserved: If you’ve ever met someone who finds it difficult to look you in the eye for example, you might suspect that they have low self-esteem. Not necessarily so.

I sometimes put myself down. Occasionally I compare myself with others and I have been known to fret about what other people might think. I never considered myself to have low self-esteem. I’m the sort of person who people view as confident, gregarious, happy and fairly well balanced.

Outward impression is not necessarily a reflection of what’s going on inside. And more importantly, self-esteem is not a fixed part of anyone.

Does low self-esteem come from a traumatic childhood?

Another thing we think we know about self-esteem: Doesn’t low self-esteem come from growing up in a family in which you are put down or belittled? Isn’t it common in victims of abuse? Well, yes – and no!

Dr. Rob Kelly, author of “Thrive” says that the link between childhood experiences and levels of self-esteem is not always to blame:

“People with a negatively distorted sense of self do not, however, need to have been regularly put down or abused by others during childhood….many people that I have treated with self-esteem issue have come from loving, caring families and it is largely their own self-criticism that has caused them to build such limiting beliefs about themselves.”

What IS self-esteem anyway?

Let’s take a quick look at the various synonyms for the word “esteem”:

Deem, judge, rate, respect, admire, value, regard, approve of, appreciate, like

When we add “self” to the word esteem, then we can start to get a feel for what self-esteem is:

Your level of self-esteem is a measure of:

• How you rate yourself
• How much you value yourself
• How much you like yourself
• How much you appreciate yourself
• How you judge yourself

In short, self-esteem is simply how you see yourself. If I asked you to tell me what sort of person you are, you might tell me that you are outgoing or shy; that you are hard-working or laid back; that you are a good friend or a conscientious person.

Essentially, you’d be responding with your beliefs about yourself. We all form beliefs about ourselves – who we are, what we like, what we dislike. They are not facts, they are simply beliefs that we have formed over years.

Your fluctuating self-esteem battery

Self-esteem is not real; it is simply your present evaluation of yourself – a set of beliefs. Sometimes you might evaluate yourself highly, sometimes less so.

Kelly tells his patients to imagine that they are keeping a mental score card of negative and positive thoughts. Each time they have a negative or critical thought it is recorded and each time they have a pleasant, validating thought, this is also recorded.

These positive and negative thoughts reflect the charge of your metaphorical “self-esteem battery”. So if, you have 70% negative thoughts in a day and only 30% positive thoughts, then your self-esteem battery is only 30% charged.

The effect of sh1t tinted spectacles

Kelly uses the evocative analogy of seeing yourself through “sh1t-tinted spectacles”. Here are a few examples of how those sh1t-tinted spectacles can distort your view:

• You look in the mirror and say “God, I look haggard”
• You have a day when you get 5 pieces of good feedback from people and 1 piece of criticism. You focus on the criticism
• A business connection you ‘phoned yesterday does not return your call and you create a reason in your mind that is all about you

Our human brain is a crafty thing. We create a belief and our brain immediately starts seeking evidence to back up that belief. We dismiss any evidence that proves this belief to be untrue – we want to prove ourselves right.

We see what we want to see – even though it doesn’t serve us, support us or make us feel good.

The secret sauce is in the PROCESSING

The trick in increasing your self-esteem is simply to increase the positive charge in that self-esteem battery I mentioned above: Change the positive/negative ratio of thoughts. Generate more positive thoughts and create higher self-esteem! And you can do that by processing your thoughts in a different way.

Kelly says that:

“processing is what takes place when your experience becomes a memory.”

Your memory is not reality – it is a construct made up of your belief systems, your unhelpful thinking patterns and your metaphorical spectacles – and how you decide to tint those spectacles.

In order to increase your self-esteem, all you need to do is switch your specs to a pair that are rose-tinted, rather than sh1t-tinted!

Here’s how:

Coach Yourself: The simple habit that will increase your self-esteem

Time to coach yourself: This is what I’d like you to do:

1. Give yourself the gift of 15-20 minutes of journaling time within the next 24 hours. Set a timer and create a positive hit list and write down as many positive things from your day. Be as creative and as flexible as you want with your list. The only “rule” is that you reflect on the positive things from your day, even if it wasn’t a stellar day! For this exercise, please also reflect on why each item is in your hit list. Why did it make you feel good? What positive thing did it reflect about YOU?

2. Set yourself a reminder at the end of each day to do a mental positive hit list at the end of each day. It’s a great habit to get into both for your self-esteem AND for a good night’s sleep: In a mindfulness sleep meditation, one of the first parts of the meditation is mentally running through your day from waking to getting into bed.

These “positive hits” can be:

• Moments of pleasure
• Things that made you smile
• Moments of pride in yourself or those you love
• Achievements – large or small
• Challenges you overcame
• Things that made you feel grateful
• Acts of kindness that you received
• Acts of kindness that you gave

To help you get the idea of what to write – and to demonstrate that I walk my talk! – here’s one I did earlier! This is my positive hit list exercise from Wednesday this week.

It wasn’t an easy day: I spent most of the day responding to my own mini business crisis – my broadband network failed and I was left with no connection to the Internet whatsoever. This meant I lost a lot of working time and had a couple of sticky situations to get round. Despite this, when you read my positive hit list, you’ll see that, even on a day that could be described as a “nightmare”, there were many positives:

1. Meditated first thing in the morning. Felt proud of myself as it’s an important habit, but it’s one that I have to push myself to do still.
2. Watched the mists rolling off the top of the hill and knew it would be a hot day. The sunshine always makes me feel happy.
3. Took Ernie for a walk in the forest and enjoyed the sunshine, peace and stunning views
4. Met a man in the forest who gave me a wonderful smile, engaged with me and wished me a wonderful day. It made me think how great it is when people connect and how lucky I am for such simple pleasures
5. Emailed parents of Duke of Edinburgh award participants to organise gifts for the D of E leaders. It would have been much easier not to as it will take time and thought, but it is important for me to acknowledge people.
6. Did some writing sitting on the balcony in the sun. Felt grateful for the autonomy and flexibility of my business
7. Responded creatively and calmly to challenge of running important client webinar after broadband developed a fault and I was left with no Internet signal. This shows that every day in every way I’m getting more and more resilient – rolling with the everyday blips of life and taking it (more or less) in my stride
8. Spoke to my friend Penny Pullan who logged into my business email system and sent an email to my clients about alternative conference line. Always love speaking to Penny and feel grateful to have a friend who I know will help me out in this kind of situation and who knows what to do!
9. Had a great conversation with Amanda Davie about coaching and EQ. Love talking to Amanda as she’s so bright, on my wavelength and she gets it!
10. No. 1 son helped me to clear away dinner dishes without me even asking. Wow! All those years of me feeling like a broken record are finally paying off!
11. No. 1 son ALSO mowed the lawn without moaning when asked. As above!
12. Bedtime story reading to Fred and friend’s daughter who stayed over. Really cherish reading a book to Fred and thankful for it as it won’t be long until he won’t want me to read to him.
13. Negotiated better deal on mobile phone contract and felt pleased with myself. I’ve also got extra contingency data
14. Upgraded mobile data contract to ensure better contingency next time there is a problem with broadband at home. I’ve really thought about mitigating a major risk in my business.
15. Spoke to John and Mum on the phone when I felt exhausted and fed up. Feel immensely grateful for these 2 big “rocks” in my life who always listen and always have wise words.
16. Was able to say “yes” to a friend dropping her daughter round and was also able to offer for her to sleepover. How great to be able to do this for a friend who helps me out so often.

If you do these 2 exercises – the written one to start and then follow up simply by creating a habit of ending your day with a positive mental hit list, you’ll quickly reap the benefits in more consistently high self-esteem.

And as you embed this new positive habit, you’ll find you naturally notice more of your own achievements, making it easier the more you do it!

You’ll have that Alien self-esteem mother monster slayed in no time!

In a moment of pure joy, expressing my never-ending gratitude for my “job” as a Coach for talented women in challenging careers, I posted an update on social media:

“Just finished a 2 hour coaching session with one of my most visionary clients who is changing the world…buzzing!”

This client is indeed visionary. She is planning a conference that shines a spotlight on the an important issue. She has aligned a number of key speakers – government ministers, change-makers and celebrities – to feature at this conference. She will change lives!

But do you think she saw herself as visionary? No way! She doesn’t even believe she has what it takes to realise her vision. She only recognised herself from my description because the timing of my post could only have applied to her.

“Really?” she asked in an email to me. And that “Really?” conveyed so much. It was is if she was saying “Little old ME? Can you really have been referring to ME as visionary?”

And this vignette illustrates the problem with women!

We live in an era when gender equality in the boardroom is viewed as an economic imperative. Companies with three or more women in senior management functions score more highly on average for each organisational criterion than companies with no women at the top.  69% of companies who implement gender diversity policies report an improvement in brand image.  I could go on and on with the statistics that demonstrate the benefits for everyone of gender equality in business.

I have been part of and observed umpteen discussions about what organisations must do to attract and retain more talented women.   Every single one of these conversations stresses the importance of implementing flexible working policies and of creating a culture that does not penalise women for the fact that they have children and that, at the time of writing at least, they are primarily responsible for childcare (although there may well be a shift with the introduction of shared parental leave in the UK just over a year ago). Flexible working is indeed important and it is a big part of the equation.

But flexible working is not the FULL equation. There is a factor involved that usually gets ignored and it is something that I have quite extensive experience of:

 

We also need to help talented women to stop holding themselves back

For the past 14 years, I have been working as an Executive Coach and Trainer to the sort of talented women that companies are seeking to attract and retain.  I’ve worked with thousands of women across the globe and I have watched them exhibit the same self-sabotaging behaviours over an over.

Whenever a new client starts work with me, I send her a Questionnaire. Here is one of the most revealing questions I ask these new clients:

“How do you get in your own way?”

And the answer is, the smart, educated, ambitious women I work with get in their own way – and therefore hold themselves back – in a multitude of ways!

Over the coming few months, I’ll be sharing with you some of the recurring themes in the answers to the “how do you get in your own way?” question.   If you’ve ever suffered from lack of self-belief (so that will be ALL of us!), you’ll want to read the first of these “ways”. If you’re not already on my mailing list, pop your email into the box below so that you don’t miss any of the posts.

What do Kate Winslet, Jodie Foster, Sheryl Sandberg and Michelle Pfeiffer have in common?

…They all suffer from Imposter Syndrome!

Each of them has been quoted as saying that they fear that they aren’t truly deserving of their success, that they are somehow not qualified and that, at some point, they are going to be found out as a fraud. Michelle Pfeiffer responded to a question about how she’d developed her acting talent with:

“I still think people will find out that I’m really not very talented. I’m really not very good. It’s all been a big sham.”

When Sheryl Sandberg attended a Harvard University speech called “Feeling Like a Fraud,” she came to the conclusion that they were speaking directly to her.

Oscar-winning Actress Kate Winslet said,

“I’d wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and think, I can’t do this; I’m a fraud.”

And highly accomplished Actress, Producer and Director Jodie Foster said,

“I always feel like something of an imposter. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

If the rich, glamorous and famous suffer from Imposter Syndrome, what the bleeping hope do we have?!

What is Imposter Syndrome, anyway?

I like this description, borrowed from the Caltech Counselling Centre:

“Impostor syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.”

Notice the phrase “even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true.” This is the curious thing about Imposter Syndrome – the sufferer doesn’t believe the evidence in front of her (or his) own eyes.

I’m wondering if any bells are ringing already.

Here are 10 surefire indicators that you are suffering from Imposter Syndrome. You might not have all of these, but one thing is for sure, no. 10 is true, although you might deny it!

1. You tend to admire and overrate the abilities of others and underrate your own ability.
2. Others may see you as competent, but you still see yourself as incompetent
3. You have a hard time acknowledging objective measures of your competency
4. You have a hard time accepting compliments for your accomplishments
5. You discount the value of your abilities and talents.
6. You believe that everyone is capable of doing what you do, if only they tried
7. Despite repeated successes, you view each new challenge as your undoing. You believe you will be found out.
8. You attribute your successes to luck or “fluke”
9. However, you take full responsibility for all your failures!
10. You are likely to be highly capable, competent and successful in your field.

Now you have an idea of what it is and how it shows up, what’s the next step? How about a quiz?… You can download my “Imposter Syndrome Quit Kit”, where you can take a test to see if you are suffering from “Imposter Syndrome”. You’ll also learn 3 incredibly simply strategies to diminish the voice in your head that says you’ll be “found out” as a fraud!

And feel free to share the Imposter Syndrome Quit Kit with your friends!