Tag Archives for " guilt "

Have you seen any of those provocative memes on social media that warn people not to mention Christmas until 1st December?

I don’t comment that I covertly started buying my first Christmas presents in October, when I happened to see an advert in a paper for toys that I thought my nieces would enjoy.

When my youngest son mentioned an author he likes, I checked Amazon one evening and pre-ordered his latest book for Christmas from shhh.. you know who. Also in October.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those incredibly organised people who finishes all their Christmas shopping by 1st November and who has written, addressed and stamped all their cards ready to be sent on 30th November.

But I AM a woman who is mum to two boys and aunt to three girls.

And I am also a woman who thinks about what we’re going to eat every evening and who plans, shops, cooks.

I am a woman who suddenly remembers, smack bang in the middle of my working day, that my youngest son mentioned his friend’s birthday party next Saturday. Who emails the boy’s mum to ask for details, because the party invitation has gone astray.

I am a woman who makes packed lunches every day and constantly reminds them to pick up their towels, make their beds and clean their teeth. I am a woman who drives her eldest son to football practice, with 15 minute notice, because he’d really like to go.

And as well as all that, I am a woman who runs a business full time.

In short, I’m a woman who is constantly trying to get things done.

So when I see those social media memes that tease people who start thinking about Christmas in November, I quietly wonder if their life might be a little less jam-packed than mine!

I suspect you will get this completely! Whether you start thinking about Christmas in November or not!

Because for so many women who are always trying to get things done, particularly at this time of year, the dial is turned up high on freneticism.

The danger is that you constantly feel as if you are falling behind or that you have not done enough.

You might feel that you are somehow not efficient, fast, smart, disciplined, organised enough. You may have a running commentary in your head at the end of the day chiding yourself for what you DIDN’T get round to.

The multitude of amazing mini achievements that you DID clock up are mentally ticked off without a second thought. You probably rarely stop to acknowledge yourself.

The cumulative impact of feeling like you’ve never quite come up to scratch is insidious. Mental self-flagellation becomes a painful habit. It’s as if you are fighting the same battle day in day out, that always ends in defeat and despondency. How can you ever catch up? Get it all done? When will you ever be enough?

So I wanted to give you, as another woman who is always trying to get things done, a little gift in this week’s post. It’s actually a very precious gift.

It’s called “enoughness”

I’m giving you explicit permission to tell yourself that, whatever you did, or did not achieve this week, it was absolutely enough. And that most importantly, YOU are enough.

Let me repeat that:

You have DONE enough.
You ARE enough.

Here is one of the most comforting, reassuring and empowering quotes I have ever read for busy women like you, who achieve so much each day. It’s from Brene Brown. I’ve printed this out and stuck it on my office wall. I read it at the end of every day. I am sharing it to remind you of the gift of “enoughness”:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. it’s about cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough”

Enjoy your gift of enoughness at the end of today. Give yourself a pat on the back and ​tell yourself: “I have done enough today. And I AM enough”

If you’ve enjoyed this post, please use the social media share buttons to pass on the gift of enoughness to all those other busy women!

Last week, I presented a webinar on working parent guilt for a corporate client. It’s a subject I know only too well…

Having been a mum for 14 years and having coached so many mums for almost the same length of time, my old mate Guilt pops in for a cuppa and a chat on a regular basis.

The last time Guilt made a social call at my house was a week last Monday. I remember the visit very well indeed. The boys and I had returned from a wonderful holiday in Spain the day before.

I thought I was organised for their first day back at school and up to a certain point, I was. I’d managed to unpack the suitcases, a small miracle as it usually takes me weeks. I’d laid out their uniforms the night before and I’d made their packed lunches.

So far so good. Then it all went wrong…

We couldn’t find Freddie’s school shoes anywhere. We went from on time for the first day back to slightly late. Freddie had to wear a pair of grey and green shoes – the closest thing he has to formal black school shoes. I shouted at Freddie.

But it got worse…

We drove down to school. As we turned into the school road, I saw a child with a suitcase. He was in non-uniform.

I’d forgotten – it was his residential visit.

I uttered several profanities:

“Fred – it’s your residential today. Oh no (insert profanities here).. I’d completely forgotten”

And then, in front of my poor little boy, I burst into tears. I felt like the worst mother IN THE WORLD. And it wasn’t as if this was the first time I’d forgotten it was a “special day”. I felt GUILTY. I cried tears of guilt and shame – you can’t get a more toxic combination of those kind of tears.

I drove back home and raced into the house with Fred, giving him panicked instructions to take his uniform off.

I called my friend Claire to ask her what I needed to pack for the residential:

“Amanda, calm down” she said. “The Residential is next week”

I looked in my diary.
Oh.
So it was.

So I’d done a double cock up. I was convinced it was this Monday, had forgotten and then realised it had never been this Monday. Even more Guilt.

I felt guilty for:

• Upsetting Freddie
• Not being more organised
• Making him late

and on and on it went. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I asked friends who are parents “When was the last time you felt guilty as a parent?”

Rachel said, “This morning as #2 daughter left for school and I realised I’d barely said 2 words to her, apart from the nagging to get dressed, brush teeth, hurry up etc.”

Another Rachel said, “I think the worst time in the last few months was just before Christmas when I got stuck on a train with no driver coming out of London (Southern rail contribute to many of my parenting fails) and I missed my youngest playing one of the lead roles in the school nativity. I was gutted.”

Gill said, “Yesterday when I was late for school meeting due to train arriving back from London 10 mins late making me 10 minutes late therefore enabling the parental failure button to be pressed.”

As I started writing this, my dear friend Claire, who to me is the epitome of Wonderful Mum, has just messaged me to say she felt guilty for not having done something earlier about an issue one of her kids is facing. I could wax lyrical about what a wonderful, balanced, kind, funny, simply gorgeous mum Claire is. Yet she said she felt guilty.

What was she guilty of?

Not being perfect.
Not being all seeing, all knowing
Not having the benefit of perfect hindsight

And who is perfect? Who is all seeing, all knowing? Who does have perfect hindsight?

I find that guilt had reduced its coffee dates with me over my years of parenting. However, it seems to have become a more constant friend since divorce. As I have more to do now, I inevitably make more mistakes, miss things or simply have to say no to many things. Guilt loves to keep me company every time I can’t be the perfect mum.

Hmmmm… now there’s a phrase – perfect mum. Perfect parent.

Of course, there’s no such thing as perfect, is there? yet we frequently expect perfection from ourselves, especially as working parents. We expect to be able to serve everybody, be in 2 places at once. We expect ourselves to be Super Heroes.

And Super Heroes are fictitious characters, so THAT ain’t working for us, is it?

Enough already. What do we do about it?

Well, there are several things we can do to discourage our old mate Guilt from calling in too often, but today I’d like to focus on the one that, in my experience, helps more than any other.

First of all, we need to distinguish between “healthy guilt” and “unhealthy guilt”. Healthy guilt can push us in a positive direction of change. When we are not living our lives in accordance with our values – what is inherently important for us – guilt can steer us in the right direction.

However, for the purposes of this post, we’ll assume we all know what unhealthy guilt is – a toxic emotion. In fact it’s not even a real emotion. In Transactional Analysis terms, it’s a “racket emotion”, meaning that there are emotions underneath it.

Unhealthy guilt can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and fear. We don’t want any of that, so we need to step back and learn a strategy for dealing with guilt.

Here’s the one thing I know for sure that will help you deal with unhealthy guilt:

**Look** for the GAP between your expectations and reality.**

Here’s how to do that in 3 simple steps:

1. Grab a piece of paper and brainstorm all the times when you have felt guilty. It might help to write “I feel guilty when” at the top of the paper
2. Now write all of the expectations you have of yourself. Think about what you expect of yourself at home as well as at work
3. Look for the gaps. If, like Gillian, you expect to be able to influence the train companies’ punctuality, you might want to adjust your expectations

In itself, this exercise is simplistic. It’s telling you what you already know. But the thing about guilt, is that we don’t see what we already know. By doing this exercise, you are using your rational brain to put things into perspective.

You might find, when you do this exercise, that there is still some nagging guilt left behind. Take that kernel of guilt and ask yourself, “Is there a change that I really want to make here?” If the answer is yes, then you have yourself a highly desirable goal. But be careful not to create “should” or “ought to” goals. Enlist the help of a friend or partner with a healthy dose of common sense and rational thinking to challenge you.

I’ll leave you with 10 things to remind yourself of next time you’re beating yourself up with guilt:

1. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last to feel guilty. You’re not alone in feeling guilty. We’re all in this together, muddling through life as best we can.
2. Stop striving for perfection – it’s a fool’s game, because it’s impossible.
3. You’ll never be guilt-free, as kids are great at finding the weaknesses in our defences. It’s par for the course.
4. Roll with the punches, go with the flow, bend with the wind (choose your metaphor!) It makes life a lot easier when you stop trying to control everything.
5. Get into the habit of forgiving yourself, no matter what. It makes you into a kinder parent anyway.
6. Remember that we often drop a proverbial ball because we are trying to juggle too many of them. When you next miss something (see my story above), see it as an opportunity to look for a way to simplify, rather than an opportunity to beat yourself up.
7. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you and who can put it into perspective.
8. And weed out the negative people in your lives. You know the ones – they delight in telling you how wonderfully perfect their life is, often in sly, insidious ways. Get rid. Life is too short for psychic vampires.
9. Don’t take yourself, parenting, work or any of it too seriously. Humour is one of the most powerful antidotes to guilt.
10. Good enough is good enough.